Hot Tips for Grandmahood

"Grandmas are really antique little girls," says a plaque on my kitchen wall. Having served an apprenticeship for nearly 20 years, I feel I may be able to help with a few tips on grandmahood -

0 to 5 years

• Cuddle often.
• Sit in the sandpit.
• Make red jelly and patty cakes with 100s and 1000s. (Be prepared to vacuum up the rainbow lollies for the following two weeks.)
• Perfect your Daddy Bear, Mummy Bear and Baby Bear voices.
• Try to remember words of nursery rhymes.
• Hide your blood pressure bills and lipstick.
• Go for long walks pushing stroller. (If grandchild wishes to push dolly in a little stroller, be prepared to carry last two items home yourself.)
• Give running commentary on birds, flowers, butterflies and cars.
• Don't boss Miss Two, she's bossy enough for you both.
• But bask in the warmth of big blue eyes when they gaze earnestly into yours and a little voice says unexpectedly, "I love loo, Grandma".

5 to 10 years

• Laugh and giggle for no reason at all.
• Pretend you love fishing and wish out loud that you could rollerblade.
• Give lessons on knitting.
• Be led on walks to secret hideouts.
• Look at school projects, sporting ribbons and medals, and praise extravagantly.
• Be passionate about Barbie Doll and her extensive workday, shopping day, sports day, evening wardrobe.
• Ooh and Aah at each new outfit and help with dressing and undressing, mixing and matching.
• Listen in raptures to latest poems and songs learnt at school.
• Play games. (Don't attempt hockey or horse riding. Table-tennis is fine if approached moderately.)

Teens

• Listen sympathetically to pet hates and crazes.
• Approve of latest haircuts and dress codes.
• Keep secrets.
• Don't be a geriatric teenager.
• Fill the cake tins for boys, and fruit bowls for girls.
• Don't, and I repeat, don't, keep repeating the adage, "When I was your age". That is really stretching their imagination beyond the pale.

I unfortunately never knew any of my grandparents, and my journey into this state has been mostly trial and error. Initially, I did what came naturally, but my grandchildren have been my teachers, and I'm still learning and hopefully improving.