Dear Corky,

Thanks for the letter. Missin' "me mates" in Montana, but not the snow or the survivalists. We're spending the weekend on the Sunshine Coast, in Marcoola, which is due north of Maroochydore and Mooloolaba. To keep things simple, I just call the whole place Maroochyloolacoolabah.

Cheerio,

Naomi

Corker

Not only do they drive on the other side of the road, but the light switches down here are arse-over-tits too. A mate said it's because every product in Australia is made by drunks, for drunks, and with drunks. Ergo, when you're stumbling into a room flailing at a light switch, you have a better chance of smacking it down for "on" than up. Brilliant, don't you think?

Naomi

Dear Corky,

Between the possums, the fruit bats, and the bush turkeys, it's a wonder anyone gets any sleep around here. The first few nights I lay stark staring awake, certain I was going to be robbed and raped by a band of drunken pirates. But in reality it's "no worries, mate." Since they don't have guns here, they don't have much serious crime. Maybe someone should tell the president.

Ta, Naomi

Hey Corks

Yeah, without guns, I reckon the six o'clock news is a bit dull, but they make up for it by running soft-core porno on late-night telly. The big news in Australia yesterday was a woman getting her shoulder hurt in a handbag snatching. The big news in the U.S. yesterday was another unarmed civilian being riddled with bullets by the police.

Sweet dreams, Naomi

Hi Corkers

Not that you need to know, but here's how to tell a Burglar from a Bush Turkey:

* Bush turkeys crash through the shrubbery.

* Burglars curse through the shrubbery.

* Bush turkeys rummage through your compost pile.

* Burglars rummage through your refrigerator.

* Bush turkeys learn from their mistakes.

* Burglars earn from their mistakes.

* Bush turkeys smell better than burglars.

* Burglars are uglier than bush turkeys.

* Burglars don't squawk when you throw a shoe at them.

* Bush turkeys don't wear nipple rings. Don't ask how I learned the last one.

Yours, Naomi

Dear Corky

Thanks for the UPI clipping about the shark mauling the surfer on the Gold Coast which, by the way, is Brizzie's playground, not Sydney's, as the United Propaganda Idiots conflated it. There's a 6-meter great white off the coast of Melbourne right now, patrolling for Yanks on holiday. That's like a stretch limo with a boat trailer. Don't forget the gigantic teeth. I tell you, Cork, the beasties down here make our old griz look like poodle puppies. Remember that poor bloke in Montana who was taken by a griz and his hundred-odd-year-old wife got it to turn him loose by whacking it on the nose with her binoculars? Try whacking a great white on the nose with binoculars and see what happens. Better yet, poke him in the eye with your 'brolly.

Ta, Naomi

Hey Corkatoo

Yesterday my neighbor was giving me a ride and said she hoped I didn't mind that her car was full of pot plants. Now don't get all excited, Corks. Australia is forward-thinking, but not that forward. Turns out what they call "pot plants", we call "potted plants." And what we call "pot plants", they call "brekky".

Yours, Naomi